


Everything burns

by WholockianDalek



Category: The Greatest Showman (2017)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-28
Updated: 2018-07-28
Packaged: 2019-06-17 19:26:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15468357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WholockianDalek/pseuds/WholockianDalek
Summary: After the events of the movie, P. T. and Charity divorce amicably and he starts dating Philip. In this AU/interpretation, Philip is autistic and P. T. has adhd. Warning for minor self inflicted damage.





	Everything burns

The lights were off. His hands covered his ears. He was no longer wearing the itchy suit, but soft pyjamas. Still, it was all wrong. it was all too much. 

Just for the one night, Phineas had asked to cover the show. It was Charity’s turn with the children and she had decided to take them to the circus - so Phineas wanted to come back, to be the showman for his kids. Willing to do anything for him, Philip never once hesitated to let his boyfriend come back from the side lines. Still, the whole routine was off, which made the evening feel wrong from the start.

He had started watching from the sides, but it’s so much louder when you can hear the crowds stomping and yelling so close by. Too much. Too much. Too much. Too much!

Philip ran off from under the bleachers and noticed a worried glance from Phineas. This only mixed his overload with guilt. In the dark, quietly leaning against the cold soft wood of his partner’s desk, Philip tried to calm down. This had happened before - at home when his father had held parties. Noise and people and sweat and smells overcame him and he would curl up in his room in the dark letting his mind leave his body until the party was over and the overwhelming sensory input was gone.

Days passed, or possibly only seconds. Philip couldn't keep track of how long he had been sitting there, slowly rocking himself against the draws. Only when he heard Phineas’ voice, cracking slightly, yelling for him did Philip notice he still existed. 

“In here, Barnum.” he yelled, far louder than was reasonable. He could never control his volume even when he wasn't dissociating and shutting down so what chance did he have now. It all felt distant and unnatural, like his eyes were screens and he wasn't really there.

Phineas slowly opened the door and turned on the light. Now, he was back. He could feel the connections between his senses and his brain. A million shots of lightning entered Philip’s skull - setting off a headache and a rush of panic. Seeing his boyfriend flinch and press his face to the floor, Phineas quickly shut off the light. Philip’s hand repeatedly banged the floor, his feet kicked out, his whole body vibrated.

Flooding Phineas’ mind, memories of similar reactions engulfed him. For as long as he could remember, boredom often lead him to bounce around or let his hands wriggle of their own will. This however, seemed different. It was some strange reaction to an invisible assault. 

“Phil? What's going on. You left really early, you didn't get to see the new act.” whispered Phineas, getting down to his level and putting a hand against his shoulder. Suddenly touched by a sweaty, uncomfortable and rough texture (which he usually loves), Phil pushed away and started to dig his nails into his lower leg, trying to regain control. 

Unsure of how to react, Phineas decided it was best not to touch him, but also that something needed doing. Quietly walking over to a draw in his desk, Phineas pulled out a change of clothes - it was kept there in case of accidents - and slid it between his partner’s skin and hands.

“I'm here. It's okay. I’ll wait till everything is okay again.”

Phineas sat down next to Philip and started to wait. It was insufferable just standing still; he wanted to be active, to do something, to help. Still, any movement was met with flinching from Philip so he sat, quietly pulling on a thread in his suit.

“Sorry.” whispered Phil, a few minutes later. “ ‘m okay. Things were different. I don't like change. And I don't like noise. It burns my ears. Light burns my eyes. The suit burns my skin. Everything burns.” 

Seriously worried now, Phineas started checking over Phil but saw no signs of these so called burns, no harm whatsoever other than self inflicted damage - and even that was just little scratches.

“You're okay.” Phineas said, putting a hand slightly close to his boyfriend, still not touching but making it clear that he was there. Philip put grabbed the hand, squeezed it tightly and then rolled himself onto Phineas’ lap. Phineas kissed his forehead and started playfully flicking his hands through Phil’s hair.

“What happened? You were sort of wiggling like I do when I'm excited or bored and not enough is happening, but it looked like there was too much.” 

Philip didn't know how to explain, the concepts hadn’t yet been named, words to do so didn't exist, and even if they did the overloading input of earlier made it harder to form any coherent sentences. He simply nodded, and buried himself further into Phin’s suit. 

“It's okay. We don't need to talk about it. I won't disrupt the schedule again, and if ever I want to help with the show then we'll find somewhere quiet on stage or in a box for you to sit. Do you want to hear about tonight?”

A nod, a hug, a light kiss.

“We had this new idea - Anne landed on one of the elephants. It worked perfectly. Then we got the elephant to hold the hoop as she climbed it and then restarted the air act. The crowd went absolutely wild. I wanted you to see it, I wanted to surprise you. It doesn't matter. All that matters is that you're okay.”

“Which elephant?” asked Philip. He was always curious about the little details that other people seemed to find insignificant. He always wanted to know everything, even when it was slightly inappropriate to ask.

“Tonight it was Tonga, but we taught both of them to do it. They know how to grab things already, so it wasn't a hard trick to teach.”

It was somewhat calming to talk business. Both Philip and Phineas had an intense fascination with the circus and often found themselves giggling and wiggling, Phineas sometimes jumping from his seat and skipping around the room, when they came up with something new. It was part of the way they had bonded. 

“Everyone is worried about you, they're probably still around. You up for going out and reassuring them you're okay, or do you want to stay here?” asked Phineas, brushing the hair he had accidentally out there off of Phil’s face.

Preferring not to talk to much, Philip answered by standing up and taking Phineas’ hand before dragging him back to the ring. It was quiet now, and you could hear little waves in the docks. Everyone was still in the ring, taking a suspiciously long time to clear up. 

“Sorry about that guys. Migraine.”

Presumably, with such an accepting little family of strange people, telling the truth would have been accepted in a heartbeat. Still, Philip only wanted Phineas to understand the inner workings of his brain.  
Without letting go of his boyfriend’s hand, Philip helped tie up the last few ropes. The two set off walking towards home, exhausted and ready for a much needed night’s sleep.


End file.
